SINGLE LIFE: THE DON’T DO’S
In life I find that I wish there was a surefire method to do everything right. Yes, I am one of THOSE people! When something new comes my way I like to get a book or find a website that offers advice on how to navigate new things….I definitely like to have an idea of what to expect.
Single life was no different for me. When I recently moved and I went through all of my old books I got rid of several books on divorce and starting over, some of which had yielded great advice, and some that I had found completely frustrating.
One thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was the notion that just because I am now living a single life, my life should and would look completely different than when I was married. I was a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom for many years, and I have also homeschooled all of my kids. All of my friends were married, all of my kid’s friends had married parents, and my life was very much surrounded by strong, healthy families.
And I really wanted things to stay that way because those people are my “people”. They are my support system and the way I had lived my life was one I loved. Being directed to a single way of life surrounded by new people and new experiences was not what I wanted to shoot for.
Yes, I have had lots of new experiences and I have changed a lot as a person, but my friends are still married and my kids see an example of strong families all around us, and I LOVE that, because that is what life is all about (in my opinion).
So, here is my little list of “don’t do’s” that worked well for me when I walked into single life. Everyone is different and you need to navigate your own path, but some of these tips were lifesavers for me. I hope something here will help you:
ONE: Don’t cover up the pain you are feeling. Deal with it, feel it, walk through it. That is the only way you will find your way to healing. Adding a bunch of activities to numb things may help temporarily, but it will not lead to anything solid or peaceful in the long run.
TWO: Don’t go silent. Find trusted friends, family and/or counselors to help you process everything that is happening and changing. This is NOT a time to hold everything in.
THREE: Don’t isolate yourself. It’s OK to take a step back from life’s activities while you get your bearings, but it is surprisingly nice to get out and notice that life is happening all around you. In other words, there is more to life (your life) than the struggle you are walking through right now. This helps to bring a sense of peace and hope that things will get back to normal.
FOUR: Don’t drink excessively, exercise like a maniac, flirt and date like crazy, or get a bunch of tattoos or piercings. If these are activities you use to avoid what is happening in your life right now OR if these things help you send an angry message to your ex, they are unhealthy for you and your healing. The only way out is through, and detouring through emotion-numbing activities will simply stall your progress. This is not to say that a nice run or a glass of wine at night is bad. Just be careful how much you are engaging in any one thing.
FIVE: Do not bring your kids into your feud with your ex in any shape or form. I wrote more about this in my co-parenting post, but I think it bears repeating. Your relationship with your ex is entirely separate and different than the one you shared as spouses. Let it be so.
SIX: Don’t invite too much negativity into your world. People who have been through divorces can become very bitter, and I found that I needed to be around people who were more hopeful and forward-thinking in life. Just because your relationship fell apart, does not mean that all relationships are doomed or that all men (or women) are jerks.
Well, those are the “don’t do’s” that I stuck to when I first walked into single life. Not only did I stick to them, but I asked a couple of friends for accountability. I asked them to point out if I was going off my own course, simply because I wanted to get through a rough time, but with a little bit of grace.
If you have anything to add, please leave a comment. I would love to hear your thoughts.