LET’S TALK ABOUT WHAT TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS TEACH YOU

5 THINGS TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS TEACH YOU

The word “toxic” seems to be a buzzword these days, don’t you think?  It is way overused to describe past relationships and people, and it often allows a person to ignore their own bad behavior by calling their ex-partner “toxic”.  But if we stick with that word, it is worth considering what toxic relationships teach you.

I am using it here NOT to describe abusive relationships, but those relationships that we look back on and wonder why we stayed so long!  They have an element of good in them, but there are also things in them that we simply can not live with.  And we end up staying too long because it is hard to give up the good stuff.

We have all been there!

Let me say that I do not want to be there again.  Ever. In my life!

But we do learn some good things after healing from a toxic relationship.  There are truly some gems we can come away with IF we take the time to process the relationship and what our own part in it was.

LIFE LESSONS YOU LEARN AFTER HEALING FROM A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

• Why did I stay?  This one is tough.  Once you started moving through the feelings after a relationship ends, this is the question that we often get stuck on.  We wallow in regret, define ourselves as stupid, and think that we are too broken to ever have something wonderful.  But I find that this is the question that holds the magic.  If I can pinpoint (whether on my own or with a therapist) the place in myself that was OK with the dysfunction in the relationship, I can heal that area within myself and move forward in a more powerful way. These gems help me to make better decisions in the future and also helps me engage with healthier people.
• Why did I accept the bad parts of the relationship?  In my last relationship, the guy I was with was very inconsistent.  He was a good guy with many good qualities, but this trait showed up in a lot of areas quite often.  When I shared my concerns he would acknowledge my feelings and say that he recognized this and he would try to make some healthy changes.  But soon after, everything would resort to inconsistency.  And to be honest, the farther along we got, the worse this got.  I had to come to the realization that this pattern has been a part of my relationships since I was a kid.  The up-and-down roller coaster part of a relationship feels normal to me, even though I hate it.  In other words, in my past, this is what love felt like.  This is something that I will be paying attention to in myself when I eventually start dating again because that is not love…it is an unhealthy cycle.
• What do I want in my future? Wouldn’t it be great if we knew what we wanted in life without finding out what we don’t? This is called the School of Hard knocks, friend!  These days I have a MUCH clearer vision of what I want my future to look like.  And I am OK with seeing myself in that future all by myself.  While I would love to share my life with a partner, I realize that the peace and goodness that is in my life now can continue even if that partner never comes my way.  I have goals for my business, tons of travel ideas, a list of adventures to make happen, and lots of things I would like to do with my friends. These are written down so that I remember that while I am on my own, life is to be lived every day!
• What do I want my future relationship to look like? I don’t really have a concrete “list” anymore, but I do know what I want and need in a relationship.  The things I want focus more on how I want to show up and how I want to feel.  Although having similar interests would be great, connection and healthy conflict resolution and more important to me.  A person who can identify their own wants and needs is a must, and I do look forward to creating a life that works for two people.  When I was first divorced, my list looked much different.  These days the qualities I hope for are more about the inner person, and I need to make sure I embody those things as well.  You can not expect to receive from someone else, something you are not able to produce as well.
• Who am I?  This seems like a silly question to ponder, but I know so much more about ME than I did a number of years ago.  I am much more self-aware and I am able to care for myself in a healthier way, which leads to more peace and happiness in my life.  I have become aware of things that create joy in my life and the things that create chaos, and I manage those things in a way that makes my life better.  Looking back, I find it so odd that I was actually quite unaware of myself and who I was as a person, and what I wanted and needed in life. No wonder my life was out of balance and chaotic for years!

Getting out of a toxic relationship is not always easy, especially if you truly love the person.  You may know you need to do it, but you might find yourself dragging your feet.  In this case, give yourself grace and leave when you are ready.  You will know when the time is right.

Once you have done it, the work begins.  And it is not easy work.  It is messy, painful, and it does not happen in a straight line.  

Give yourself room for a lot of ups and downs and DO NOT give yourself a time deadline to be done with the feelings.  I found myself constantly wondering “when am I going to quit feeling like this?” and that simply keeps all of those feelings stuck inside.  When the feelings come up, acknowledge them and feel them.  Let them do what they came to do.  Believe it or not, this process is far healthier than avoiding emotions or doing things that help us to avoid thinking.

My friend, life probably feels very heavy right now, but I have some encouragement for you.  You WILL move through this.  Your heart WILL heal. You will find yourself attracting healthier people once you allowing awareness and healing into those parts of yourself that got into a toxic relationship in the first place.

So, when you are pondering what toxic relationships teach you, know that there is a goldmine of goodness and strength to be found in the aftermath.  You will discover old parts of yourself that need healing and new parts of yourself that want a better life.

Grab it all!  And let yourself walk forward in life with a new outlook! 

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