LEARNING HOW TO BE ALONE

HOW TO OVERCOME THE LONELINESS OF BEING SINGLE

The thing no one tells us after a breakup or divorce is that we have to learn how to be alone again. It is something we are told to do, but, in general, we aren’t given a guidebook. Learning how to be alone is doable and there are great rewards in it!

When I was first divorced, life felt way too big, like I couldn’t handle anything.  The feelings, my life, my kids, and simple day-to-day living.  There were wonderful moments within that first period, but in general, it sucked.  To put it mildly, I was overwhelmed.

It took me a few years to really get a handle on things, but that is because I tried a lot of wrong things first, mostly getting into relationships too early.  This was a time when I was still very hurt after my marriage so I carried all of that baggage into something new.  It didn’t work and both of us ended up hurt.  Once again, I met someone else and that relationship didn’t work either, and I gathered even more regret, shame, and sadness.  Let me point out as well that both of those relationships contained the same dysfunctional cycles that were present in my marriage.

Finally, I got to the point where I knew that I was the key to my own healing and that being on my own for a period of time was the answer.

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This period of time has helped me to heal, to grow, and to be certain about what I want and need in a future relationship.  I am completely fine on my own, in fact, I enjoy my life and the direction it is headed, but I do look forward to having a committed healthy relationship in my future.  The big difference from that period after my marriage is that I don’t feel desperate or afraid to be alone.

Here are some things that helped me to press into being single AND be at peace with it:

HOW TO HANDLE BEING ALONE

• Commit to your personal growth and healing your heart.  This time in your life is the best time to commit to discovering who you are, what personal problems trip you up in relationships, and stepping into the healing that helps you to obtain better tools for those problems.  Often, when we are simply floating through life and all is well, it is hard to see ourselves and our true nature.  A breakup shines a bright light on our own crap.  And, believe me, we all have some crap! Too many people simply jump into something new after they find themselves on their own and this leads to recreating the same harmful cycles in relationship after relationship.  If you find yourself thinking “all men are the same”, you need to look inward.  This is a sign that you are playing out the same destructive patterns with different people.  And, by the way, there is no shame in what we find within ourselves.  It simply means there is a better way.
• Strengthen the relationships that you have. Look around you and pay attention to the wonderful people in your life right now. You may have ten people, you may have one.  Either way, dive into connecting with those people. Often when are dating, we neglect the people around us, and now is the time to change that.  And when you start dating again, be sure to continue to invest in your own friends and family members.  A healthy relationship allows for both people to have connections outside of the partnership.

• Discover new hobbies.  Try new things or resurrect something you haven’t done in a while.  You have plenty of time to engage in activities that fill you up and give you purpose and joy.  If you don’t have any hobbies and you don’t know what to try, ask the people around you what they like to do.  Dive in and try new things and you might find something that you love!  When you are alone you can try a new craft, learn to cook or bake, redecorate your house or learn how to use your camera.  Learning to spend time alone doing something that you love will make this time of extra solitude enjoyable.
• Be mindful about how to spend your time.  Take the time to know what you want to be doing.  At first, you might say “yes” to all the things, but that generally leads to burnout. Once you identify the activities you actually like doing, make sure that you do them regularly.  Schedule them on your calendar and invite a friend to join you.  Being single does not mean being alone all the time!
• Learn about Self-Love and practice Self-Care.  These two are the secret when it comes to healing your heart and stepping into your growth.  Learning to care for yourself will keep you in a more contented state and it will also raise the standard for who you allow in your life and who you spend time with.  Once you know how it feels to be taken care of in a healthy way, you have a tendency to avoid toxic people, or at least to identify them quickly.  This is important so that you don’t end up finding yourself in a repeated relationship pattern. 

LEARNING HOW TO BE ALONE

Getting comfortable with my single season took time and perseverance.  It is 100% normal to feel resistant to pressing into this because it feels like you are trying to get used to being single forever.  That is simply not the case.

You are getting used to feeling OK in the solitude in your life right now and allowing yourself to enjoy your own company.  Facing the feelings each day is the only way to overcome loneliness that is present after a breakup.

This takes time.  It will be challenging.  And one morning you will wake up and see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I promise you, beautiful friend!

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