CO-PARENTING: COMMUNICATION AND WORKING TOGETHER

One of the things that is quite ironic about being divorced with children, is that co-parenting and communication and working together are a priority….even if that was a struggle (large or small) while you were married.  This is an area where I firmly believe that two people need to get it together and make it work.

No matter what.

***Please note that I am not addressing any circumstances that involve abuse or illegal activity. I am simply talking about two people who need to walk towards getting along and communicating well.

My situation with my children’s dad happens to be a good one.  BUT we have worked hard to get to a place where we respect and value each other’s place in our children’s lives.  We both respect the importance of each of our kids having a healthy relationship with both of us.

Here are some tips that I think may help in your co-parenting strategy:

ONE: The child’ welfare is #1.  Period.  Co-parenting is not a stage to make a point about your ex, or to bring up the past.

TWO: NEVER belittle your ex or give out information about your past relationship to your kids.  Some people will argue this point, but I firmly believe that my relationship with my ex is entirely different from my kid’s relationship with  my ex.  Even if you feel “wronged” or “sinned against” that is between you and your ex…not between your kids and your ex.

THREE: Focus on areas of agreement and shared vision.  In other words, focus on what is working.  Obviously, tackling what doesn’t work is important too, but don’t make it your entire focus.

FOUR: Compromise.  Work WITH your ex.  Honor some of their requests and ideas.  If you do this, you may find the same respect coming back your way. If not, just keep taking the high road.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

FIVE: Save disagreements for when you can talk in private with your ex.  Your kids still need to see you getting along in order to feel safe and secure.

SIX: This last tip is for those of you who have a very volatile relationship with your ex: ONLY use email to communicate.  My ex and I did this for about 1-1/2 years after we split up.  We had to in order to maintain any kind of peace.  Our emotions ran too high for any in-person communication.  Email communication allows you to read the note and then set it aside while your defenses relax.  There is generally no need to respond immediately, so you have time to make sure your frame of mind is entirely settled on what’s best for your children.

One thing is for sure, this all gets easier as time goes on.  It’s taken 4+ years, but I am very happy with my co-parenting situation, and I believe my ex feels the same.  We trust each other to have our kid’s best interests in mind.

I have seen too many people who can’t or won’t co-parent with their ex, and it almost always translates into a child who can play his parents and get away with whatever he wants, as long as the parents are fighting.  This is sad for everyone.

Co-parenting and communication and working together are lofty, but necessary goals.  I encourage you to do what it takes to make these happen.