WHAT ARE RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES?

BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS

We hear this phrase often – “Relationship Boundaries”, but what does it mean?  What are Relationships Boundaries?

About 10 years ago, my counselor started talking with me about boundaries.  To be honest, I was very confused, especially when she said that boundaries help people to create connection within a relationship.

At the time, my experience with relationships boundaries was WALLS.  Big, massive walls that no one could penetrate.  I would cut off communication with people that I considered “toxic” and after that point, they never existed.  In case you are wondering, this is a great way to end up alone in life.

My road to healthy boundaries has been a long one since not only did I have to learn what they are and how to set them, but I also had to learn to open my heart to people in an effort to have people in my life.

The difference in my life is amazing!  Am I perfect with setting boundaries in relationships? NO!  But the quality of the people in my life and the quality of my relationships now is like night and day.

“People learn how to treat us based on how they see us treating ourselves. If I don’t put value on my work or my time, neither will the person I am helping.  Boundaries are a function of self-respect and self-love” – BRENE BROWN

 

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Just a fun fact about me: I am a huge Brene Brown fan!  To say her books have been life-changing for me is an understatement. She is my “boundaries guru”! If you have never read her work, I highly suggest that you start with the book The Gifts of Imperfection, but any of her books are great!

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS?

Boundaries are what create a distinction between YOU and ME in a relationship.  They are what create space for connection.  Boundaries separate my body, my actions, my feelings, and my responsibility from yours.

If there are no boundaries, a relationship is enmeshed.  It is a place where all of YOU and I meet and mix, and this is not healthy.  Often, this leads to co-dependency which is an unhealthy way to relate to others. This type of relationship often leads to one partner caretaking and another partner not taking care of themselves, which, of course, leads to exhaustion.

Adults are responsible for taking care of themselves.  I am responsible for my life, my finances, my health (including my mental health), my responsibilities, and my part in relationships. This also means that I am responsible for asking for help when needed.

When an adult does not take care of themselves (this includes adult children), I am not helping them by doing things they are unwilling to do for themselves, such as paying their bills or taking care of their children.  This is actually called enabling.

We enable others to avoid taking care of themselves by taking care of their responsibilities for them.

This might seem hard to grasp at first, but it is a truth that a boundaried person is able to be more loving and connected to the people in their life, simply because they are not overwhelmed and frustrated by the other person.

A boundaried person is able to give from a place of love, not a place of feeling like they have to do something.  And I don’t know about you, but when someone has high expectations about what I will do for them (and they won’t do those things for themselves) I feel frustrated and used.

Compassionate people ask for what they need.  They say “no” when they need to, and when they say “yes”, they  mean it.  They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment. – BRENE BROWN

WHAT ARE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS?

My boundaries in relationships are spoken needs, wants, expectations, and limits.

It is 100% OK to have needs, wants, expectations, and limits in your relationships.  Expressing these to people helps them to know how to love you best.

Have you ever noticed that if you make your partner guess what is wrong with you, they generally get mad?  That is because they are not a mind-reader and it is not their job to figure you out.  It is your job to give them the information they need in order to work together towards a solution that works for both of you.  

This is a huge benefit of boundaries in relationships: they take the guesswork out of another person knowing what you want or what is wrong.

Let’s talk a little bit more about enmeshed relationships.  This type of relationship can have a number of features, but one of the features is that responsibility for bad behavior is often not taken.  Blame is shifted, which leads to conflict remaining unresolved.  And I don’t think I need to stress how hard it is to be in a relationship with unresolved conflict.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.  This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful that addressing a behavior or a choice”. – BRENE BROWN

 

Holding boundaries in a relationship allow two people to work through conflict without attacking each other’s character, which is vital.

Two important things to remember:

• Boundaries can include compromise.  In healthy relationships, it is worthwhile to talk about your boundaries and hear what the other person thinks and feels about them.  Taking them into consideration is all part of a close, connected relationship.  In a situation where the person does not respect your boundaries or they are not emotionally mature, you might need to just state the boundary without compromising with them.  There is no need to compromise in a setting where you are not respected and/or are treated badly.
• Boundaries often need reminders.  A boundary that causes a person to have to change a behavior will probably take time to become solid.  For example, if you ask your neighbor to come to your house only after your workday is completed, you may have to remind her a few times if she is used to stopping by anytime and hanging out with you.

Boundaries in relationships allow us to let a person know our wants, needs, expectations, and limits.  This in turn opens us up to be more loving and connected with people because resentment and frustration are not building up.  We can relate with the important people in our lives from a place of peace, love, and the willingness to give.

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